I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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