I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I wear drunk well.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
