why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
