your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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