im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
