i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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