I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
