What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
