oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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