I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
