my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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