Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
