Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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