she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
