I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My nipple is on Facebook.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
