Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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