i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
