im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm getting married
To pizza
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
