I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize