I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
