I met the friendliest cop last night
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
