just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
