Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
