he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
