Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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