also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
