why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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