Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize