She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
