so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
