does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
