Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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