I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
