woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
