I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Soap is not a condiment
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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