Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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