The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
