Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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