Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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