Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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