I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
