youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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