I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
