I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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