I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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