Only a mothe r could love this liver
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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