I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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