having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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