He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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