it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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