I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
