"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
