i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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