dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
