Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
