did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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