I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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