don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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