I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
