Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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