hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
