I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
