i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
